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Take A Seat

Hi.


It's me again. Just popping in like I do when I have feelings to unload. Prepare for a sloppy post, I just need to get the thoughts out today.


It's been a rough week.


Oh, who am I kidding, it's been a rough couple of months.


In case you missed it: I moved across the country. But not before I moved my parents out of their house and into a small town in Arizona. It was exhausting, but it was worth it. It feels like they are happier there and getting them to a better life has been my main goal for the last 2 years.


I started three new jobs because I wasn't sure what the best method of survival would be. To be frank, I was scared (I still am). Scared of failing - typical Aisha. So I have been working six days a week and figured it would all be fine because I don't usually even hit 40 hours. I started going to the gym everyday, building my healthy eating habits again, finally staying hydrated. It was all coming together. I think?


Tuesday put me in my place. I have never felt pain like that in my life. Coming up out of a simple air squat and the fire in my back was indescribable. Is that was its like? To feel the universe beg you to take a seat?


I have had so many emotions these last few days. I have been so angry at my body for not appreciating the care I felt like I was giving it. Convinced that I was doing everything right and nourishing it in every way just to have it shit on me for no good reason at all. 10 years of working out, perfecting my form, growing my muscles all over again when my ACLs broke in half. Scaling every workout to take care of those new ligaments. But I was skipping the important part. The recovery. The recovery from workouts and from life in general. My body warned me a couple of weeks ago - i felt the pinch in my back. I took two days off and then went right back into in. I decided it was nothing serious. I worked 28 hours in three days on that sore back. Afraid to call in sick for one day.


Fast forward to Tuesday. I spent the entire day laying on the floor. Unable to move and unsure i'd even make it to the bathroom when the time came. My sister at my side doing her best to help me as I squirmed on the ground from pain. Still, as I lay there with my face on the hardwood, all I could think about was that I wouldn't be able to go to work. How many days am I going to have to miss? Is this going to be an entire week of income that I won't have when the bills are due?


I have been so stressed out about not going to work - not caring at all about the fact that my body isn't functional. My focus is that I am somehow disappointing the businesses I pour beer for. Typing the words makes it feel so insanely ridiculous. Why is my commitment to these strangers greater than my commitment to myself? What a different week I would be having if I had just given my body permission to take a break at the very first sign of distress.


Suddenly all of the self-care tik-toks and memes flood my brain. We are of no use to anybody when we aren't taking care of ourselves. And if you keep running at full-speed, you will get an uncomfortable, intolerable, and extremely clear sign from your life demanding you to take a seat. It won't be your choice. And if you're anything like me, it will be a tough ass wake up call. Listen to every sign. Stop ignoring your body and your mind and give your life the breaks it asks for. Don't be afraid to sit the fuck down because whether you believe it or not - your job will still be there, you earned it, and as always .... everything will be okay.

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