Something Good

Whew. It's been awhile.

It seems I only head back here when I'm feeling lonely. So, on the last post I promised something good. And I keep my promises.

Honestly, the last few months have been filled with a lot of good things and a lot of good moments and good feelings that came from my people. But I was on the hunt for some good that came from within.

I realized that all of my sad-sackness was attached to this habit of relying on my friends and family for anything good. I wanted them to find my pain and then make it go away by telling me that everything was going to be okay because I was special. I wanted them to sit under my raincloud with me, but not tell me how to stay dry. And what an unfair burden to put on the people we love.

It's been as though I forgot what it was like to be good to myself. To believe in my life, in my work, in myself. To say thank you when someone pays me a compliment. To own who I am. To love her. And to believe that she deserves a happy life.

I got stuck in this hole of sadness where I had decided that I only mattered if I mattered to someone else. That my purpose lived within someone else's perception.

Well, fuck that.

Something good happened. Something big and pivotal (but also a little bit scary - sh). I made a choice. I have decided to wake up feeling worthy of my life. Of my love. And of the freedom to spend my life in any way I want. With whoever i want. Doing whatever the fuck I want.

I want to go on every vacation. I want to spend my free time at the gym or sometimes doing nothing but binging entire seasons in bed. I want to work hard and then spend all my money doing things that make me happy.

And when who I am is not received well, I don't want to always feel like I have to say I'm sorry. Especially when I'm not. I want to be able to tell people when they have hurt my feelings without wondering if they will hate me when it's over. I want to be treated the way I treat others. I want to be treated like I could be hard to lose. I want to be seen. Because I'm fuckin' worth it. Because I have a lot to offer. And I don't have to be some version of myself that makes the world feel more comfortable. That is not for me.

I am going to lead with kindness and start by being the kindest to myself. By taking care of myself. I am going to say no without carrying the guilt of not meeting someone else's likely reasonable expectations. Because it's okay to just say no (this one is going to be hard).

I am going to be intentional. And unapologetic. And confident.

I am going to ask for what I want. And believe I deserve it.

I am going to give myself credit when it is due.

And above all else, I am going to keep learning about myself. Who I am. What makes me happy. I am going to keep building and changing my life to fill this one single journey with all of the good it can carry.

That's all for today, besties.

Thanks for caring.

and as always, i fucking love you. <3