I spent 3.5 weeks visiting the people and the places that built me. Admittedly, on a bit of a mission to soak up as much love, joy, hope, and healing as I could. Seeking something positive to fill the spaces where the grief lives.
I want to heal. I want to remember what undeniable happiness feels like when it radiates from the purest spaces in your heart. I want to sleep through the night without waking up to cry. Or listen to someone tell a story without losing myself in my own mind halfway through. I want to go back to life before I was a person who lost her dad.
This has been the hardest transition of my life. Moving across the country was one thing, but moving into a life where fifty percent of my heart and my motivation no longer breathe life into me - well, that was something I could have never prepared for. There are days when I feel like I am just coasting - having the conversations, going through the motions, but really wanting nothing to happen. I am desperately trying to move through the hole and fill it with memories, moments of the most powerful love, funny things, new people, new experiences. Holding onto them with everything that I have for fear that if I take anything for granted for even a millisecond - it will be taken from me.
I feel powerless against the future. Living in survival mode, wondering if I will ever feel genuinely okay. Wondering if my heart will mend, if my head will clear, if my hope will resurface. Sometimes I think about what it was like to want something ... I reminisce about what it was like when I could get excited. On the most monotonous days, I ask him for help. I ask him to give me any sign that my heart is still capable of feeling genuine, unfiltered, unsedated, immeasurable happiness. And be it in my mind's desire or by my own creation, he always delivers.
I have learned so much about what provides me with comfort and what prepares me for growth. I have learned about my mind's constant need for attention. Its unwillingness to unconditonally love the rest of me. I've learned so much about self-doubt and deprecation. I have not given myself enough credit, enough love, or enough gratitude.
I'm learning though. I am learning every day to be kinder to myself. To trust. Not just myself, but everyone. I am learning that it is okay if everybody doesn't agree with the way I move forward. I am learning to speak my truth. To let my life live. I am learning, every day, to hold tight to the moments that feel remarkable and to remove myself from the ones that don't. I am learning that the only person I owe anything to ... is me.
And so I will go to where the love lives. I will work hard, but not incessantly and certainly not apologetically. I will give myself a chance to be helped, loved, valued, and held. I will do everything in my power to create for myself the life he dreamed of for me. Because that is all that is left to do.
<3
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