I don't remember the last year. That's weird right? I think there is a term for that ... trauma blocking? I'm not sure. But I know that unless I really force myself to remember it ... it doesn't exist. Scary how that can happen. How an entire year of your life can just vanish into thin air. Like you didn't even exist in it. But then ... it's your life so obviously you were there for it ... right?
I also have this thing where it feels like one part of my brain is making my body do one thing (reading or working for example) and the other part of my brain is doing another thing (thinking about something completely different) and then the two things are happening at the same time and suddenly I am crying about what only 1/2 of my brain happens to be thinking about but I'm also writing a perfectly upbeat and comprehensive newsletter for work.
And so sometimes I wonder if my brain was just living two different versions of my life. One side productive and the other side traumatized. I still went to the gym, cooked, cleaned, worked, and even socialized. But I honestly just don't remember any of it. Not easily, anyways. Generally, I do feel more present. But those other moments come pretty frequently. When I think about how much sadness I still carry.
And then May 24th and all the weeks leading to June 21st replay in my head. I keep trying to write about that month. "30 days and Love Always". The journey, the emotions ... the story of my greatest heartbreak to date. Because the truth is ... as much as I want to forget the way it felt - I want to remember as many of those last moments with him as possible. But damn if it isn't the hardest thing to re-live.
I used to see him in my dreams a lot. And they'd be so intense, I didn't know which version of my life was real. I'd have to think about all of it for awhile before I can convince myself that whatever it was didn't happen in real life. Now, the dreams are not usually about him, but about every day things in my life. I'll wake up and have to think about if a conversation actually happened, if I actually went to the grocery store, bought something online - it's like a completely different world that I live in. And then I'm exhausted all over again. Although the alternative are the most frustrating episodes of insomnia so this alternate world is seemingly better.
I've been thinking about ways to acknowledge all of the different spaces in my brain while the healing happens. While it gets through all of this "stuff". What I've decided is that maybe the key to surviving this transition is balance. Maybe I just need to pull in good moments for the next year to balance out the tough ones from last year. And although I know it doesn't necessarily help it all make sense - I think it will feel just a bit lighter.
So, I'm working on making concrete memories to help differentiate from the year where it all fell apart. I traveled for Memorial Day - my heart was full. It felt good. It felt good to be back there until I remembered how much he and I both loved Atlanta. How we almost convinced Mom to move there. Cue the spiral. But I got out of it. Thankfully I was with people who make me genuinely happy. If I'm being honest, it's them who got me out of the spiral. And who let me sit in my blank-ness while also being so available. I had a great time. The sun was beautiful. And I can now look back on that week with better memories - I'm grateful for that.
When moments happen in life that I know I want to remember. I write them down. Sometimes here, sometimes in my phone as part of a little challenge from my bff, Ashley. She said "start a virtual Best of 2023 jar and every time something good happens, make a note of it. Then, at the end of the year, you can look back and remember how much good the year held". I did. In the notes ... Best of 2023 Jar. And every moment that fills me with peace, love, pride, or just genuine happiness "goes in the jar".
I've also been trying to give myself things to look forward to. Always a plan for the next time I will see someone who replenishes my soul. Countdowns. Laughter. Trying every day to find as much good and happiness as I can. I've been working on checking in on the people who continue to help me breathe. Making sure everyone who means something, knows they do. Been being honest when the days are bad. And being grateful when they are good. And most importantly, giving myself grace on the days when I am not my best self.
So ... here's to filling the jar I guess. To staying present in this life. To creating balance. and to finding the courage to finish telling his story. Here's to a year of doing my best to hold on to the good.
(and maybe going to therapy instead of sorting my emotions by writing a scatter-brained blog post) 🙃
Fill that jar my friend 🖤