Sidenote: I am writing this on an airplane – after a two-week life hiatus spent sleeping and watching 90210 on my best friend’s couch. I was trying to sleep on the flight and my mind just kept running circles around all this emotion I seem to be carrying today. I started crying. On the freaking plane guys – I don’t even know this person. I don’t know if the tears come from being broken or from remembering to heal. It takes almost nothing for my eyes to start leaking all over the place. Anyways, the computer came out so I could catch some of these thoughts and distract my brain. Now it seems I’m just distracted completely. Let's get back to it.
It’s easy to say 2022 was the worst year of my life.
When I look back on just the last six months, I lost fitness as I knew it, then I lost my dad, and then I lost my job(s). And with it all, my financial stability, my general belief in how the universe works, and seemingly a lot of confidence.
I am quite literally flying by the seat of my pants at this point.
I had so romanticized 2022. I had decided at this time last year what I wanted it to look like. I would move to Seattle, I would find love, prosperity, and I would unlock the key to the most beautiful life. I felt pretty determined… pretty sure that I would have finally figured it all out. I remember driving down the highway with my car packed full and a smile on my face. I can recall the exact moment that I decided I was going to be 100% open to receiving the life that was meant for me. And even thinking about it now makes my heart smile. 2022 would be my yes year!
Boy was I in for the rudest of awakenings. There was a lot of no, no thank you, hell no, and immediate no that happened in this stupid stupid year. Surprisingly, I am not fully miserable. It’s almost laughable … the way 2022 sat me down and said, “who in the actual fuck do you think you are”? Ha well, fuck you too, 2022. And good riddance!
Having lived almost two weeks of 2023, I have got to believe that it can only get better. It feels like the only thing left to lose is my tribe. And I have honestly never in my life felt closer to those humans. If I didn’t appreciate them before, I most certainly do now. If any of you are reading this, thank you for saving me.
And so... as one of them just reminded me... perspective.
... what did I gain in 2022? Insomnia, anxiety, 30 lbs ...
whoops ... let's try that again.
I gained freedom. The freedom to actually live, to let go, to just sit and do absolutely nothing. The confidence to say no, to say what I am thinking out loud (and not feel guilty for it). To slow the fuck down. I got to take a two-week hibernation and unload a lot of pain. A lot of pain, y'all. It doesn't cancel out all of the other feelings, but it sure does make me see 2022 from a different point of view. How amazing is it to be so cared for that no matter how empty your tank feels, you never feel like you can't keep moving forward.
I am so determined to bring the perspective to light. To tell the people I love, that I love them. To give parts of me that I have been keeping hidden in fear. To openly and unapologetically take a minute to breathe. I will be real with y'all, sometimes all I do is live in my stress, complain, whine, relish in all the wrong that the universe has dumped on me. But hey, we are all free to unravel a bit - so long as we remember to reel it in. Dump it all out and then ... clean it up. That word again: perspective.
I don’t think this is rock-bottom (but let’s be honest – who fucking knows). I will say I don’t relate to the feelings of having no way out. I am absolutely in survival mode and am not necessarily seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe in myself. I still have places within my brain that are certain of a purpose greater than I’ve had thus far. I feel my potential from the inside – does that even make sense? It’s like I lack so much confidence in so many moments but I am unquestionably sure that I have worth and everything leading up to the literal minute it explodes is just another journey, another step, another hardship preparing me for a great adventure. Whether that is positivity or delusion – I guess we will find out.
Until then – I’ve got nothing left to do but wake up, get out of bed, and believe with whatever I have left that something absolutely magical is ahead of me.
Oh, and live for the music because that shit be keepin’ it 100 always.
Yeah, I said it.
Here's to better days, baddies. May they be stronger than the fear and closer than they were yesterday.
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