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Are you there, Dad?

Updated: Sep 7, 2022

I had a dream the other day. The sound of your voice echoed a room. I was watching life as i've previously known it. You had come home from the hardware store and everyone was reacting to your presence. Relieved. Like they knew what I knew and so the lucid me and the real me raced down imaginary stairs and plunged into your arms with the thought that this version of you was real. I could feel you. I could feel your hug around me and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I believed that all of the heartache had been the dream and that this space we were in was real.

Then I woke up.

The only real thing about that moment was the emotion. The fallen tears were visible on my pillow. My face wet as I sat up in my bed. Sadness still streaming down my cheeks. You felt so real. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I've had such a hard time sleeping at all since you moved on. If i'm being completely honest, i've had a hard time doing much of anything. But my mind really can't grasp the loss of you. I find myself daydreaming much more often. Remembering moments with you and trying to sort them between real and imaginary.

It doesn't feel like my heart is healing. I sometimes find myself sitting outside of my body, watching it as it goes through the motions of whatever is left for me in this part of the universe. I go to work every day. I try to put on a smile, make jokes, be whoever it was that built this life. Some days I do get a glimpse of her. In a moment with my sister, the girls, and sometimes with complete strangers. She is still in there. Seemingly tied to a corner somewhere filled with fear that if she comes out, we will lose something else. My biggest goal has always been to live. By any means necessary. All i've ever wanted is to spend every day certain that I am living my life, spending it both with wisdom and freedom. It's always been a bit of a challenge, but you helped me believe that it would all unfold into something like a legacy. And that in my journey, I would find my purpose. How do I keep the discouraging thoughts at bay without the security of your guidance?

I talk to you a lot throughout the day. I often wonder if you're there. If you can hear me and if you live on in the afterlife we try to believe is real. I guess we will never know, right? Maybe the idea that your spirit lives on beyond the moment you take your last breath is a comfort we have created to make all of this easier. But if I am being honest, I have a hard time coping with the uncertainty of it all. How did you do it? How did you work so hard in the name of a God we have no proof of? Did you ever lose your faith? In those moments where you watched us grieve the inevitable loss of your physical being - did you question if any of it is real? Or did you whole-heartedly believe that you were being called to a higher service? The people here say you're in a better place. That you're an angel now. That you're looking over us. And so I find "signs" of you in my everyday life. A song, a sunset, a lion, anything that pertains to soccer. I tell myself it's you.

But if you're really out there. If you get this message. If you can hear me.

Please send me a love like yours. Please give me a sign that my heart will someday be full again. I just don't know how long I can carry this empty space.

ps. love always

1 Comment

Dec 25, 2022

I think you are incredible and whole heartedly know you have a heart full of love. Your kindness is a light that radiats on everyone that is blessed to have you in their life.

My prayer for you is that you can find peace and know how appreciated you truly are. Some may vocalize it and others may not, but if you feel good doing it and being present and you know deep down this is what they need and what you can offer, then be okay with just knowing that your intentions are pure. Your intentions have always been good and pure ❤️

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